I feel behind. Even when I wake up I'm behind. It's not like I feel I have minutes left and I need to cram everything in. It's more like I've been asleep, or in limbo, for the past 3-4 years. Everything in my life has been on hold and now, now I feel as if I have to catch up. I have to do and create and explode out of the blocks. And at the same time I have to keep up with the everyday - I have to go to the grocery, clean the house, do the laundry, weed the garden, can the veggies and pay the bills.
And this year, this year, I want to be mine. And my first thought at that is that I'm being selfish, but maybe I'm not. I have to reach for my dreams, my goals, everything that I want out of life, I need to go for, to grasp and to have.
My joke is always that I need minions - gorgeous, hard working, reading my mind, speaking my language minions. But that's not going to happen is it? I've learned that since we've moved to where we are - minions are not going to happen. Time after time I interview and research a company and it works great, until they send the actual workers out, most of which speak only minimal English and have a massive case of male chauvinism. Time after time I tell them to complete the job that they were hired to do and they blow me off; my husband comes in and tells them the same thing and then they do it - aaarrrghh! Screw that - I'll do my own instead. I'm taking back my home, my land and my life.
I feel as though in the past few years I've been a sponge - not a cute one that you buy from a cute, overpriced store, (do folks even use sponges anymore? I know I haven't in decades) or an underwater creature. No I've been the kind of sponge that is nasty and full of gunk, and probably smells gross and has been used and abused to death. The kind that when you pick it up, you scrunch up your nose and head for the garbage - that kind of sponge. I've smiled and nodded and taken it all in, and yet when I give my opinion or express my thoughts, I'm yelled at and screamed at and get flamed by bigots and racists and close-minded folks that I'm amazed made it out of kindergarten. Where is the girl I use to be - that didn't give a sh*t what you thought? that stuck to her ideals and her beliefs and gave you a researched, irrefutable argument on your weak comeback? She's been run over and has left you to hang yourself. And I don't like that. I hate it when I bend over backwards for folks and they can't manage to remember my birthday - not a card, an email or heaven forbid a present. When I send out gifts and can't even get a thank you, and yet I continue - why? masochist? or just the fact that I was instilled with Southern proper values.
So this year, this year is mine. This year I want it all - I want to be fit, healthy, my perfect weight and dare I say it, "hot" - by my definition that is. I want my house redone to what I want, which means a lot of work for me, my yards and gardens to my dreams. I want to achieve it all - I want to be a successful published author in multi-genres, my photography to go places, my home beauty to go places . I want an orchard, a huge garden, chickens, sheep and more. I want my self-absorbed neighbors to go away. I want companies to work with me and not ignore me; I want people to see me, not see through me; I want folks I like and love to respect me and listen to me before judging me. And this year - this year - will BE MINE!